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Planning a wedding in 2019 is interesting–and that’s an understatement. Trends skew nontraditional and budget-friendly and more couples are breaking away from gender norms and expectations at their weddings, which is great! But some folks have expectations that conflict with shifts toward less tradition and more inclusivity. And if you have any relatives helping to pay for a wedding, obviously a clash of values can lead to real conflict.

That’s why I want to give you permission to say fuck it.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying if you compromise on one of the expectations I talk about that you’ll regret your wedding day or fail to be the perfect, free-spirited, hair-blowing-in-the-wind-boho-supermodel person getting married that you “should” be.

I’m saying you deserve the permission and affirmation that you are 100% justified to want your wedding to feel like it’s *yours.*

And by the way, none of what I talk about here is dependent on spending more money. These are all things that don’t require you to spend more–if anything, I’m giving you permission to spend *less.*

So without further ado, here are four expectations people may have about your wedding to which you can say fuck it.

1. Having (or Not Having) a First Look

First looks have become a popular way for couples to see one another and let out nervous energy before the ceremony. Some couples also choose first looks because the whole “not seeing the bride until the ceremony” tradition originates from some cringe-worthy, patriarchal BS. But for some couples, the excitement and emotional buildup to seeing each other for the first time during the ceremony is really special. (My spouse-to-be and I aren’t super traditional, but we aren’t seeing each other until the ceremony for that butterflies-in-stomach anticipation. And I’m really excited about it!)

Either way, this isn’t about anybody else but you and your love.

I’ve seen blogs that complain from the vantage point of a *guest* about couples who choose first looks. (Which like, uh, honestly, who *asked* you?) But it doesn’t matter what they or anyone else thinks! Your ceremony should be structured with you and your love’s needs and happiness in mind first and foremost. Don’t worry about trying to satisfy tradition if a first look feels right, or getting a trendy first look photo if seeing your spouse-to-be for the first time when you or they walk down the aisle means a lot to you. This part of your wedding barely affects anyone else, but can really impact you and your love’s experience of the day. So make it about *you!*

2. Wearing a Traditional Color and/or Item of Clothing

Couples creating personalized weddings are trending less traditional and more imaginative with what they wear. Brides and spouses wearing dresses are opting for bright sequins, bold colors, and informal designs. Wedding jumpsuits are making big gains in popularity. And more queer, nonbinary, gender-nonconforming folk are dressing according to who they are and what they feel like themselves wearing, not what others think they ~should~ wear.

And…that’s exactly how it should be.

Let me say that if you’re a queer person from a conservative family, for instance, you may compromise and opt to dress in line with what your family expects to protect yourself from potentially hurtful comments on the big day–and that is totally, 100% okay. Not everyone comes from supportive family environments and doing what you can to have a painless, drama-free wedding is so absolutely fine.

It’s just that, queer dear heart, I hope you don’t have to.

I hope the people who say they love you are willing to see you at your most genuine and free. I hope there’s at least one relative you have an inkling will listen–and if you *do* talk to them, I hope they respond with kindness and care.

And if they don’t? I hope you have enough support and love from other loved ones in your life to feel okay saying fuck it–and doing what feels right and genuine for you.

3. Having a Religious Ceremony

Most of us come from families with some kind of religious background. Even if you share basic beliefs with your family and loved ones, your faith overall may look much different and less traditional than your parents’ or grandparents’ religion. Lots of couples run into the expectation to incorporate religious traditions into their ceremony, and maybe that’s not an issue for you! This is another situation where I *absolutely* understand compromising to keep the peace. But if a religious ceremony–or a ceremony with religious elements that conflict with your individual beliefs–brings you more than passing discomfort, there are two *very* good reasons to say fuck it:

1. Your emotions will be running *high* during your wedding. So even if you plan to poker face through, you may not be able to conceal whatever icky feelings you’re feeling about the religious stuff, especially if you have any traumatic associations with religion.

2. If you feel uncomfortable, the people around you will likely be able to pick up on it and feel uncomfortable, too. Which kinda defeats the purpose of incorporating religious stuff to make some people feel more comfortable.

Of course, I’m not saying you need a statue of Baphomet at your wedding altar to stick it to your church-y family at your wedding (though like, if you *want* a Baphomet statue that’s pretty rad, tbh). But if you’re really attached to say, not reading any Bible verses and including a Celtic handfasting into your ceremony? Gently explain what you want and go for it.

4. Details Out the Wazoo

Who among us is immune to the charms of perfectly boho modern place setting photos on Pinterest? (I’m sure there’s *somebody* but it ain’t me.) Dreaming about details and decor can be one of the most fun parts of your wedding!  So by all means, work that creative energy for your big day if that brings you joy.

But also, remember this as a kindness to yourself: most people won’t remember or care if you had chargers during the reception dinner.

I don’t mean that in a “caring about those details is stupid and trivial” way. I mean it in a “if you can’t afford to curate every last little detail with aesthetic precision because you can’t afford a planner, work two jobs, and also like eating and sleeping occasionally, your wedding will still be awesome” way.

Like, really. It will be.

I’ve been to weddings with a wide range of looks and budgets, and I don’t remember the place settings from even the most expensive plated dinner reception. By the same token, I didn’t miss those details at more casual ceremonies. What I do remember from those weddings is the joy of seeing people I cared about get married and noticing the meaningful ways couples incorporated their unique selves into their wedding day. And sure, some of that did include decor, but not dozens of different things–just a few personalized touches that made the day feel sweet and meaningful. (One of my favorite examples: the bride baked the groom’s favorite pies in place of cake and bought a variety of vintage cake stands from thrift stores to display them for affordable, functional, and pretty decor.)

So cut yourself some slack on those details! Let yourself say Fuck It to every single tiny detail needing to be perfect! There are many people don’t have the time or money to make them all happen and still have amazing, beautiful weddings. (PS: if you do care a lot about, say, pretty invitations or place settings but time and money are tight, you can put together just one setting or print one fancy invite to be photographed! Getting that Pinterest-worthy photo without the stress and cost of fancy place settings for everybody sounds like a win-win to me, tbh.)

What are some other wedding expectations you’d tell people they should just say Fuck It about? Say it in the comments! Also, don’t forget to sign up for occasional emails from Fly By Night Wedding with updates and offers from around the wedding universe.