Info, advice, and inspiration for your affordable, inclusive, and beautiful wedding
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Planning a wedding in 2019 is interesting–and that’s an understatement. Trends skew nontraditional and budget-friendly and more couples are breaking away from gender norms and expectations at their weddings, which is great! But some folks have expectations that conflict with shifts toward less tradition and more inclusivity. And if you have any relatives helping to pay for a wedding, obviously a clash of values can lead to real conflict.
That’s why I want to give you permission to say fuck it.
Let me be clear: I’m not saying if you compromise on one of the expectations I talk about that you’ll regret your wedding day or fail to be the perfect, free-spirited, hair-blowing-in-the-wind-boho-supermodel person getting married that you “should” be.
I’m saying you deserve the permission and affirmation that you are 100% justified to want your wedding to feel like it’s *yours.*
And by the way, none of what I talk about here is dependent on spending more money. These are all things that don’t require you to spend more–if anything, I’m giving you permission to spend *less.*
So without further ado, here are four expectations people may have about your wedding to which you can say fuck it.
1. Having (or Not Having) a First Look
First looks have become a popular way for couples to see one another and let out nervous energy before the ceremony. Some couples also choose first looks because the whole “not seeing the bride until the ceremony” tradition originates from some cringe-worthy, patriarchal BS. But for some couples, the excitement and emotional buildup to seeing each other for the first time during the ceremony is really special. (My spouse-to-be and I aren’t super traditional, but we aren’t seeing each other until the ceremony for that butterflies-in-stomach anticipation. And I’m really excited about it!)
Either way, this isn’t about anybody else but you and your love.
I’ve seen blogs that complain from the vantage point of a *guest* about couples who choose first looks. (Which like, uh, honestly, who *asked* you?) But it doesn’t matter what they or anyone else thinks! Your ceremony should be structured with you and your love’s needs and happiness in mind first and foremost. Don’t worry about trying to satisfy tradition if a first look feels right, or getting a trendy first look photo if seeing your spouse-to-be for the first time when you or they walk down the aisle means a lot to you. This part of your wedding barely affects anyone else, but can really impact you and your love’s experience of the day. So make it about *you!*
2. Wearing a Traditional Color and/or Item of Clothing
Couples creating personalized weddings are trending less traditional and more imaginative with what they wear. Brides and spouses wearing dresses are opting for bright sequins, bold colors, and informal designs. Wedding jumpsuits are making big gains in popularity. And more queer, nonbinary, gender-nonconforming folk are dressing according to who they are and what they feel like themselves wearing, not what others think they ~should~ wear.
And…that’s exactly how it should be.
Let me say that if you’re a queer person from a conservative family, for instance, you may compromise and opt to dress in line with what your family expects to protect yourself from potentially hurtful comments on the big day–and that is totally, 100% okay. Not everyone comes from supportive family environments and doing what you can to have a painless, drama-free wedding is so absolutely fine.
It’s just that, queer dear heart, I hope you don’t have to.
I hope the people who say they love you are willing to see you at your most genuine and free. I hope there’s at least one relative you have an inkling will listen–and if you *do* talk to them, I hope they respond with kindness and care.
And if they don’t? I hope you have enough support and love from other loved ones in your life to feel okay saying fuck it–and doing what feels right and genuine for you.
3. Having a Religious Ceremony
Most of us come from families with some kind of religious background. Even if you share basic beliefs with your family and loved ones, your faith overall may look much different and less traditional than your parents’ or grandparents’ religion. Lots of couples run into the expectation to incorporate religious traditions into their ceremony, and maybe that’s not an issue for you! This is another situation where I *absolutely* understand compromising to keep the peace. But if a religious ceremony–or a ceremony with religious elements that conflict with your individual beliefs–brings you more than passing discomfort, there are two *very* good reasons to say fuck it:
1. Your emotions will be running *high* during your wedding. So even if you plan to poker face through, you may not be able to conceal whatever icky feelings you’re feeling about the religious stuff, especially if you have any traumatic associations with religion.
2. If you feel uncomfortable, the people around you will likely be able to pick up on it and feel uncomfortable, too. Which kinda defeats the purpose of incorporating religious stuff to make some people feel more comfortable.
Of course, I’m not saying you need a statue of Baphomet at your wedding altar to stick it to your church-y family at your wedding (though like, if you *want* a Baphomet statue that’s pretty rad, tbh). But if you’re really attached to say, not reading any Bible verses and including a Celtic handfasting into your ceremony? Gently explain what you want and go for it.
4. Details Out the Wazoo
Who among us is immune to the charms of perfectly boho modern place setting photos on Pinterest? (I’m sure there’s *somebody* but it ain’t me.) Dreaming about details and decor can be one of the most fun parts of your wedding! So by all means, work that creative energy for your big day if that brings you joy.
But also, remember this as a kindness to yourself: most people won’t remember or care if you had chargers during the reception dinner.
I don’t mean that in a “caring about those details is stupid and trivial” way. I mean it in a “if you can’t afford to curate every last little detail with aesthetic precision because you can’t afford a planner, work two jobs, and also like eating and sleeping occasionally, your wedding will still be awesome” way.
Like, really. It will be.
I’ve been to weddings with a wide range of looks and budgets, and I don’t remember the place settings from even the most expensive plated dinner reception. By the same token, I didn’t miss those details at more casual ceremonies. What I do remember from those weddings is the joy of seeing people I cared about get married and noticing the meaningful ways couples incorporated their unique selves into their wedding day. And sure, some of that did include decor, but not dozens of different things–just a few personalized touches that made the day feel sweet and meaningful. (One of my favorite examples: the bride baked the groom’s favorite pies in place of cake and bought a variety of vintage cake stands from thrift stores to display them for affordable, functional, and pretty decor.)
So cut yourself some slack on those details! Let yourself say Fuck It to every single tiny detail needing to be perfect! There are many people don’t have the time or money to make them all happen and still have amazing, beautiful weddings. (PS: if you do care a lot about, say, pretty invitations or place settings but time and money are tight, you can put together just one setting or print one fancy invite to be photographed! Getting that Pinterest-worthy photo without the stress and cost of fancy place settings for everybody sounds like a win-win to me, tbh.)
What are some other wedding expectations you’d tell people they should just say Fuck It about? Say it in the comments! Also, don’t forget to sign up for occasional emails from Fly By Night Wedding with updates and offers from around the wedding universe.
My posts may contain affiliate links! If you buy something through one of those links, you won’t pay a cent more but but FBNW will get a small commission, which helps keep us running. Thanks!
Stressful though it may be, planning a wedding can also be pretty fun! Researching vendors, getting to know who they are and what they offer, and learning about the many ways to throw an awesome wedding has been an overall positive experience for my upcoming wedding.
One thing that has caused a little stress, however, is finding queer-friendly wedding vendors. My partner is queer, as are people in our wedding parties and invited guests, and we’re both adamant about only allowing vendors that are fully affirming and supportive of LGBTQ people be a part of our wedding.
Making this happen in Texas caused us both some nerves. Asking vendors if they’re queer-affirming in a state known for its hostility to non-cishet people is intimidating–something no one should have to experience when planning what should be one of the happiest days of their lives. If you’re a wedding vendor that welcomes LGBTQ couples and wants to ensure they feel safe contacting and booking you, below are four action steps that will go a long way:
1. Don’t hide your love!
Are you down with queer couples? Great, now say so!
My partner and I were so relieved when two of the vendors we loved replied that they’re cool with queer folks–but really, we shouldn’t have had to ask. Be loud and clear on your website, social media channels, and anywhere else you maintain a public presence that you’re inclusive and down with queer couples!
2. Feature LGBTQ couples!
If you’re a vendor that maintains an online photo gallery and/or shares photos via social media, feature LGBTQ couples! It was strange hearing from vendors that they *did* welcome queer couples–and that they’d worked with queer couples in the past–to then visit their website and social media and see not one visibly non-cishet couple. The message I got from that was, “We’ll take your money, but won’t acknowledge you exist.” And that’s…not okay.
3. Keep your contact form gender neutral.
This is such a simple, great thing to do! I pretty much *knew* that we’d hire our photographer when I saw his contact form used gender neutral terms. You can use “You” and “Your partner’s name” instead of “Bride” and “Groom,” for example, to keep your contact form gender neutral.
4. Ask pronouns–and give your own!
If you’re an individual, such as a photographer, makeup artist, or wedding planner/coordinator, include your pronouns in your email signature, on your website About page, and on social media profiles! This is a great indication that you’re not assuming anyone’s pronouns and understand the importance of respecting people’s gender identities. Asking the pronouns of the couples you’re working with also ensures they don’t have to correct or explain themselves to you–you’ve already done them to courtesy of asking.
Are there any other tips you’d suggest to help vendors be more approachable for LGBTQ couples! Let me know in the comments!
My posts may contain affiliate links! If you buy something through one of those links, you won’t pay a cent more but but FBNW will get a small commission. Thanks!
One of the most exciting parts of your wedding is people from different stages of you and your partner’s lives coming together to celebrate your love. I know I can’t wait for old and new friends to meet at our wedding, and for our families to meet our friends they’ve not had the opportunity to meet before.
But cisheteronormative wedding traditions and cultural expectations–and the presence of conservative family (or friends) who follow said traditions and expectations–can make queer wedding party members and guests feel erased, embarrassed, and unsafe. As someone marrying a queer person, and as part of a couple with queer friends in our wedding parties and on our guest list, I want our wedding to feel as safe and welcoming to our queer loved ones as possible.
I’ve found very little advice on this online, especially advice that prioritizes the safety and comfort of queer guests over the couple showing potentially performative support. So, I want to offer five ways to help LGBTQ guests feel welcome and safe at your wedding:
1. Have an inclusive dress code.
This can apply to dress codes sent to wedding guests or your wedding party. For guest dress codes, make sure not to gender clothing options (i.e., “Gentlemen should wear suits”). For your wedding party, ask what your queer friend(s) are most comfortable wearing (if you don’t already know what kind of clothes they like to rock). You may have a queer woman in your bridal party you know loves to wear dresses, for instance, but a nonbinary or genderqueer friend that will want to wear something else. Just make sure to communicate and ensure your friend knows you want them to feel comfortable in whatever they wear for your wedding.
2. Accessible and gender neutral bathrooms (if possible).
I know this one depends on a lot of factors: where you live, how much you can afford to spend on a venue, family involvement in your wedding, etc. But if possible, having bathrooms marked as gender neutral–even if that’s a taped-on label over a gendered bathroom sign–lets your nonbinary, transgender, and genderfluid/genderqueer guests be present and included without the burden of trying to choose the “right” restroom. This, of course, in no way guarantees that other people at your wedding won’t be disrespectful, bigoted jerks. But it does signal to your guests what your values are as a couple–and since it’s a wedding, most people won’t push back on a couple’s choices and make a scene.
Also, handicap accessible restrooms ensure disabled guests feel comfortable attending your wedding. This was a big factor for us deciding a venue. There were a couple outdoor options we really liked, but would’ve required rented porta-potties or bathroom trailers with stairs. These options would’ve been nearly impossible for some of our disabled guests and guests with limited mobility to access.
3. Hire queer friendly vendors.
Again, I know this depends heavily on location, budget, and family involvement in your wedding. But if possible, hiring queer friendly vendors–especially for roles like photographer, DJ, etc. that have a high level of interaction with the couple, wedding party, and guests–helps create a safer atmosphere for everyone.
I was so relieved to find a queer friendly photographer for our wedding after scouring through tons of photographer profiles that talked about loving Jesus, only featured who appeared to be heteronormative couples, and had gendered contact forms (“Bride’s name” and “Groom’s name” instead of say, “Your name” and “Partner’s name”).
I’m not saying that people of faith can’t be queer friendly (or queer themselves, for that matter, as many are). But if you are a wedding vendor that wants to be safe for queer couples and wedding parties, you should say so explicitly on your website or other public contact forum–especially if you do adhere to a faith that historically has oppressed and excluded queer folks. This is especially important for photographers, given their level of interaction with couples.
4. Steer clear advisories.
This is more for your wedding party or very close, trusted friends. There may be some people attending your wedding you know have the potential to be rude or disrespectful to queer guests. In this case, you may want to give your queer pals a “steer clear” advisory for that person, for their own sake, to avoid any potentially hurtful or embarrassing interactions.
5. Ask what they need!
This is more appropriate and doable for your wedding party members who will be in the spotlight and interacting more with your family and vendors. It *is* your wedding and you have a *lot* to deal with leading up to and on the big day! But making time to talk or sending a quick text asking what will help them feel most comfortable and genuinely themselves during your wedding helps your queer love(s) know you see and appreciate them being there for you!
Please let me know if you have any feedback or additional tips! I’m open to correction, and want to provide actionable and helpful advice. Sound off! Also, don’t forget to sign up for the Fly By Night Wedding newsletter for updates and exclusive content!
Hello, and welcome to Fly By Night! I’m so glad you’re here.
I started Fly By Night because like many brides–especially those planning their own weddings!–I spend a *lot* of time online researching wedding stuff. And I love it! You won’t hear me complain about 3am Pinterest binges dedicated solely to browsing cute sandals for the rehearsal dinner.
*However* (and this is a big however!)
Despite the endless supply of wedding resources online, I find myself asking the same questions over and over:
That dress from Pinterest is beautiful, but where can I actually buy it? (And can I afford it–and if not, does anyone carry something similar? In my size?)
Why did none of the many advice articles I read tell me my vendor would need this one thing to feel comfortable executing my vision?
Why are there still so few resources for–or just writing about–weddings with queer couples, queer wedding parties, and queer attendees? How do you help queer loved ones feel as safe and comfortable as possible at your wedding, especially around conservative attendees?
After every one of these questions I think, I wish *somebody* had written about this. But one of the most basic (and best) snippets of writing advice is to write what you want to read but hasn’t been written yet, so finally I realized: I could write about this!
I’ve named this space Fly By Night, because a tiny, quiet truth beneath the flood of how-to articles, Pinterest boards, and all-in-one resources seems to be that a lot of us feel like we have no idea what the hell we’re doing when it comes to planning one of the biggest, most meaningful days in our lives. And it makes sense! You only plan on doing it once, no one teaches you how to do it, and there are people whose literal full time job is doing a thing many of us are scraping together in spare moments between multiple jobs and chores and still trying to have a social life. (Can you tell I’m in my thirties?)
So I want to affirm this experience of feeling like you’re floundering a little through an exciting but also big, stressful process, which is why I chose the name Fly By Night. Not only do I want to offer advice and resources I haven’t found anywhere else, but also keep things real–because everyone needs a little help, including help feeling okay about needing help.
I’m here to help you, so let’s help each other: what wedding advice would you like to find? What resources do you want that don’t seem to exist? What question do you keep asking yourself that no one has answered? I’ve love to hear your thoughts!