Daily Archives: February 10, 2019

My posts may contain affiliate links! If you buy something through one of those links, you won’t pay a cent more but but FBNW will get a small commission. Thanks!

(Don’t forget to sign up to get my FREE exclusive “Four Places You Aren’t Shopping For Affordable Wedding Dresses (But Should)” Guide!)

One of the most exciting parts of your wedding is people from different stages of you and your partner’s lives coming together to celebrate your love. I know I can’t wait for old and new friends to meet at our wedding, and for our families to meet our friends they’ve not had the opportunity to meet before.

But cisheteronormative wedding traditions and cultural expectations–and the presence of conservative family (or friends) who follow said traditions and expectations–can make queer wedding party members and guests feel erased, embarrassed, and unsafe. As someone marrying a queer person, and as part of a couple with queer friends in our wedding parties and on our guest list, I want our wedding to feel as safe and welcoming to our queer loved ones as possible.

I’ve found very little advice on this online, especially advice that prioritizes the safety and comfort of queer guests over the couple showing potentially performative support. So, I want to offer five ways to help LGBTQ guests feel welcome and safe at your wedding:

1. Have an inclusive dress code.

This can apply to dress codes sent to wedding guests or your wedding party. For guest dress codes, make sure not to gender clothing options (i.e., “Gentlemen should wear suits”). For your wedding party, ask what your queer friend(s) are most comfortable wearing (if you don’t already know what kind of clothes they like to rock). You may have a queer woman in your bridal party you know loves to wear dresses, for instance, but a nonbinary or genderqueer friend that will want to wear something else. Just make sure to communicate and ensure your friend knows you want them to feel comfortable in whatever they wear for your wedding.

2. Accessible and gender neutral bathrooms (if possible).

I know this one depends on a lot of factors: where you live, how much you can afford to spend on a venue, family involvement in your wedding, etc. But if possible, having bathrooms marked as gender neutral–even if that’s a taped-on label over a gendered bathroom sign–lets your nonbinary, transgender, and genderfluid/genderqueer guests be present and included without the burden of trying to choose the “right” restroom. This, of course, in no way guarantees that other people at your wedding won’t be disrespectful, bigoted jerks. But it does signal to your guests what your values are as a couple–and since it’s a wedding, most people won’t push back on a couple’s choices and make a scene.

Also, handicap accessible restrooms ensure disabled guests feel comfortable attending your wedding. This was a big factor for us deciding a venue. There were a couple outdoor options we really liked, but would’ve required rented porta-potties or bathroom trailers with stairs. These options would’ve been nearly impossible for some of our disabled guests and guests with limited mobility to access.

3. Hire queer friendly vendors.

Again, I know this depends heavily on location, budget, and family involvement in your wedding. But if possible, hiring queer friendly vendors–especially for roles like photographer, DJ, etc. that have a high level of interaction with the couple, wedding party, and guests–helps create a safer atmosphere for everyone.

I was so relieved to find a queer friendly photographer for our wedding after scouring through tons of photographer profiles that talked about loving Jesus, only featured who appeared to be heteronormative couples, and had gendered contact forms (“Bride’s name” and “Groom’s name” instead of say, “Your name” and “Partner’s name”).

I’m not saying that people of faith can’t be queer friendly (or queer themselves, for that matter, as many are). But if you are a wedding vendor that wants to be safe for queer couples and wedding parties, you should say so explicitly on your website or other public contact forum–especially if you do adhere to a faith that historically has oppressed and excluded queer folks. This is especially important for photographers, given their level of interaction with couples.

4. Steer clear advisories.

This is more for your wedding party or very close, trusted friends. There may be some people attending your wedding you know have the potential to be rude or disrespectful to queer guests. In this case, you may want to give your queer pals a “steer clear” advisory for that person, for their own sake, to avoid any potentially hurtful or embarrassing interactions.

5. Ask what they need!

This is more appropriate and doable for your wedding party members who will be in the spotlight and interacting more with your family and vendors. It *is* your wedding and you have a *lot* to deal with leading up to and on the big day! But making time to talk or sending a quick text asking what will help them feel most comfortable and genuinely themselves during your wedding helps your queer love(s) know you see and appreciate them being there for you!

Please let me know if you have any feedback or additional tips! I’m open to correction, and want to provide actionable and helpful advice. Sound off! Also, don’t forget to sign up for the Fly By Night Wedding newsletter for updates and exclusive content!